The Spike

Now is in the know, now, you know?

2007-06-27T09:08:00.000-05:00

So I contacted a co-worker about when we could meet about some "work" thing, and he replies "Now works for me."

I thought that was pretty presumptuous, to think that he controlled time. (Dr.) Who does he think he is, a Time lord?

Then it hit me... Now is a person. A real life person. I think he used to work for my boss, because he's always forgetting who I am and calling me "Now" by mistake. Like: "I need this, Now." "I'm going home, Now." "Clean up your office, Now."

Come to think of it, he must have worked for my last boss, too. He said the same things.

Hey, this "now" guy has worked EVERYWHERE before I did and people are always confusing us... he must have been pretty deaf, because they always seem to say his name really,really loudly.

Weird.

But "Now" is gone. A fleeting moment that has passed. It's become "then", and how can I go back to the past?

He must have a pretty bad-looking resume, what with all those short-term jobs he gets. His problem is he's all about NOW, never thinking of "The Future." Life can be pretty tough for Now. Things always look better in the past and in the future.

So if you're "living in the Now", is that like demonic possession?

The year in review

2007-06-18T13:58:00.000-05:00

Just got done with the yearly review... more of a "write up what you've done over the last 12 months, let me look at it, then I'll sign off on it"

So I just got it back, and while he has written some bits on here, it all sounds to me like the ol' high school "interim reports" that came out between report cards..."Spike can be an excellent student...if he applies himself"

What the Hell does any of this mean? Does nobody pay attention to this stuff as long as it doesn't say I'm hosing the secretary and stealing office supplies? As long as there’s no negative comment, it's okay?

I should count my blessings, I “met expectations” in most categories and the rest were all “outstanding”, but it sounds so lame. Granted, I think it's a shit job, and have NO desire to stay with it all my life...but he makes it sound like I'm a good lil student, who keeps his desk tidy (I don’t, btw) and is friendly to co workers.

Isn't there more to it than that???? I started this job last year as a lateral transfer because I was flattered that someone thought of me when the job came open. Not have to apply or interview... chance to move up? Yea!!! All the crap I've had to learn in the last year, ON MY OWN, with little to no help from the boss or co-workers, no training or notes and all I get is "he has a good potential to grow, his strengths are his computer knowledge and his willingness to learn."

Right, so I have computer knowledge... this from a man who can't find anything on the company server so I have to e-mail him copies of everything. This from a man who can't program his own phone or auto-reply on e-mail. And when I advise him that something isn't do-able, he shakes his head and says there SHOULD be a way, and tells me to contact I.T. and have them help. All they do is back up what I said in the first place.

Essentially, it takes all I've ever done, ever learned, went to college for, and throws it out the freaking window. I'm just that guy who sits in this chair. Another cog in the machine with room for improvement.

When the revolution comes, he'll be the first up against the wall. That’s what I tell myself to feel better. Truthfully, I wonder if revolution is the only way I’ll get a job I like! With all those losers up facing the firing squad, there’s BOUND to be some openings, right?

The safe, the comfortable and the unknown

2007-05-16T13:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I've discovered what the "nothing" was that prompted the last post. Without going into too much detail, it was, to me, a nothing. However, this nothing when taken in conjunction with a slight something, and in addition to a powerful mind and body altering experience, became something to someone else.

That bomb has been diffused, and even though I seem to be the one planting these land mines in the field of life, I never know where they are. Imagine being an amnesiac who gets to lay out a mine-field. You've gone from one side of the field to the other, laying mines as you go. Now you're done and you start back to where you came from, blissfully ignorant of the pending explosions you're about to face.

Wow, that IS like life!

Seems like life has been set on reminding me that change is the only constant in the universe and I need to stop standing still. In the last month I've been through great personal ups and downs.

I'm constantly reminded how much I dislike my career path. Random acts of employment is more like it.
My oldest and favorite dog has left us. We thought he was just old and a little incontinent. Hey, it took this dog 6 years to figure out how to let us know he had to go...not the brightest dog, but filled with the most selfless love and devotion I've ever known from a dog. The vet treated it like an infection, but it turned out to be a tumor in his bladder, and it was inoperable. Within weeks of that discovery, he quickly deteriorated and had to be put to sleep. He strained, but after the initial pain was over, to see him jog up the stairs, wag his tail and fight with the other dogs over a toy, you'd never know he was sick. Except for the diaper. (Imagine me, childless, never having bought baby-gear in my life, wandering up and down the diaper aisle at Target trying to figure out what size my dog needs.) It wasn't till the last week he really started to show the signs...slowing down, losing his appetite, finally losing his sight, that we knew it was time. Taking him there was tough, being with him was tougher. But the weeks leading up to that time were tortuous...knowing what was going to happen, but not when. And then it was over. The other dogs knew something was wrong. My wife carried him out on the way to the vet's, and our newest pup, Eufie, saw that she'd come back emtpy handed, she was so upset she refused to acknowledge her after that because it looked like she'd gotten rid of Eufie's lil buddy.
Please read the "nothing" post if you haven't already.

On the brighter side,

I've been writing more. Not just here. There's more on the hard drive at home. And a long dormant project is set to start up again. My writing partner moved to Hong Kong, of all places, and has managed to make connections with a literary agent. With that "in" the spark has been reignited and we're ready to get back to business.
I've been reconnecting. For too long, it's been just us at the house. A happy home is one thing to come home to, but to spend all your free time there...too much. Finally, someone in "the gang" has started a yahoo group so we can actually connect... keep in touch... have those round robin discussions over e-mails, get together now and then.
More exciting has been the re-discovery of someone. We were very close...13 years ago. Perhaps closer than each of us knew. Once we moved on, we really moved on and though connections were lost, as it turns out, each of us held a place in each other's heart and mind...a special place, frozen in time, that we liked to go back to and visit. We even have been there at the same time, but never saw each other. We "found" each other about 3 years ago, but if not for a bit of soul searching, along with the sharing of some thoughts typed out years before we'd even re-connected, we would not be enjoying the Renaissance of "us" we're experiencing right now.

Re-connecting with someone, strengthening a lifeline that's lasted a third of my life (wow) has been a great up and it continues to be. I realized that she is a whole person. Sounds silly, but till recently, I've seen her as the woman I knew, but with some changes on the surface. Now we talk more, we open up, share more, and I've been amazed by the depth of character. She is still that same woman...but her book of life has more pages, more experiences... and all that just makes her "more"

I know what you're thinking. "More? stop talking like a damn hippie and write!" right? Sorry, I can't put it any mo'better than that. Other than "WOW"

I look forward to more "more "

I may even have a band to play with.

What is life, without new experiences? Are we on earth to Eat, sleep, work, have babies, then die? The safe and the comfortable will always have their places, but the unknown cries out to be discovered. We need new thoughts, new ideas, new fun, new memories.

They say new thoughts put more wrinkles in your brain. I'm anxious to make some.

All of Nothing

2007-05-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

Nothing:

One word, too many possibilities.

When the Dr. Looks at an X-ray, or a lab report and sees nothing, it's good.

When you look at your checking account online and see nothing, it's not. Especially when there's a LOT more month left til payday.

When you ask how much extra something will cost with an additional option, "nothing" is great!

When you get nothing for your trouble, not so much.

Then there are times when nothing is, at the very least, ambiguous.

"What's bothering you? You seem awfully distant. Is something wrong?"

"Nothing"

At the worst, it's a seed that grows slowly into a large, ugly weed. A weed that creeps into your yard and takes over the flowerbeds. Things look alright above the mulch, but there's a weed lurking below all that, taking sustenance away from the flowers and plants, crowding their roots. You may wonder why your prized petunias aren't as hearty, then either think nothing of it, or worry about it. Rack your little head trying to think of reasons for the lack of Petunia Prosperity.

Then you come out one day and there they are... the weeds. Those Devilish vines have gotten their tendrils into the soil, choking out all the good growth. The only way to remove them is to either go through the soil, go digging in the dirt and attempt to remove all traces of the weed.

Or you can kill everything and start over. Just dump the weed killer of your choice in the soil, watch it all die, then rebuild it.

"Nothing" is easy. To use. To say. Like its cousins "I forgot" and "I'm sorry"

Nothing is easy. Experience teaches us that. "Nothing" is that sound your car makes one day. Nothing is all you have left in your wallet once the shop fixes that noise.

The nothing I hate most of all is the "nothing" that means "Nothing right now, but I'm thinking. There will be something later, and you WILL be the first to know about it." And regret it.

So, if you ask me today what's bothering me, it's "nothing."

Really.

The first post is the deepest...not so much

2007-05-01T09:11:00.000-05:00

The first cut is the deepest, so they say. But what about the first post? The jouney of a thousand miles begins with one footstep, but what about blogs?

The self induced pressure to produce blog #1 here has kept me from actually doing it. What should I say? What topic is grand enough, bold enough? What shows "the people" what this blog will be like?

Nuts to all that. The longer I wait to get those answers, the longer it'll take to post one. So, with that in mind, I am now rambling for your bemusement and for my freedom. The theory being that once this is posted, the cherry's popped and I can get on with it.

Kind of like life, eh?